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Friday, February 27, 2015

Well damn..

Obviously I really, really suck at being consistent with writing. I can make up excuses all i want, but I've an issue with consistency in writing, working out, eating clean....

Feels like something is wrong with me.. yeah, introvert that holds back on important things... but right now, I feel so out of norm.. figured out I'm really empathic towards others.. stop amd leave behind my own bs to see life from their perspective. give advice from that point only..best for them
Feeling like the only ones that.. return the effort are my folks... give, give. ..go dry..

Feels like I'm just never enough, unless I am nothing..

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

The garden

The neighborhood I grew up in was very charming - mostly middle class with a few odd McMansion type houses. We talked with our neighbors often, knew each other's routine, looked after one another.

My family was close to the one next door. Their daughters babysat my sister and I. My first crush was one of their boys. Chats over the fence, helping each other with yard work, what you hope for in a neighbor.

But, oh the garden on their side. Carol, the matriarch, was a master Gardner. Immaculate landscaping, patches with thriving vegetables,  raspberry bushes so large we used to steal them through the fence. They had a crabapple tree that overhung the properties, with gorgeous white flowers that turned into troublesome crabapples falling everywhere. For my prom, we asked to take pictures in their yard as it seemed idilic. Absolutely gorgeous.

I remember, or perhaps it's just my writer's mind twisting reality, the garden thrived even more with the addition of a man named Fred. He and Carol seemed to flow their love, ability to blend families, into that glorious green space. They were, until the day one clan moved, the quintessential essence of proper neighbors. He had to live there for at least 10 years before I or my family moved.

Neither family lives in either of the modest homes on that semi-main street anymore, but the bond lingers. We never knew the in depth workings of each family, but we did not need to in order to support each other.

I discovered yesterday that Fred passed away..I can't help but think of their lush, brilliant emerald green oasis beginning to turn brown, leaves are shriveling, drying out from thrist. Fewer vegetables reach their peak, flowers pale and lose their drive to blossom. From brilliant color, the images fade to a decaying gray and swamp green.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Shells

Feeling a bit hollow, a vessel without the life force. Disgarded husk, a shell that occasionally glitters to a certain few discerning souls.

Passion, motivation, determination swept away, a grain at a time with the crashing waves. I should be...I could be... wjy am i not...I am being no match for these ominous unknowns sometimes,  like undertow pulling me towards suffocation.

Must remember, these chambers spiral down, tragedy would be ending at the surface moreso than containing the rings of depth. Nautilus, twisting to ever changing levels deepest, darkest corners are those in which I am unashamed to just be..

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

River Styx

I've spent too much time floating on the muddied waters of the past, swept up in currents of my own making. Rapids brought on by torrents of pain, tides of mistrust cresting the shores, whirlpools swirling from self loathing.

I fought hard in the beginning, as the waters start rising around the spaces that were us, seeping through cracks in our joy and outward attempts at being alright. Thrashed against truth, the cool waters were waist high...grasped onto good memories and qualities like a firmly rooted tree..chin height..undertow pulled me close, my grip lost.

Exhausted, confused and alone, I remembered how to float, build my energy back by allowing the stream to take me.

Finally, I have waded to banks, fully aware of every drop from the past as it slowly trickles down my skin. After several deep breaths, I look around the bank, searching for others that have survived their own rapids.

There must be others...

Monday, September 22, 2014

Equinox

Chill breeze drifting through the open windows, only a whisper of the scent of fallen leaves. Trees have begun to morph,  blazing reds and oranges that signal the changing season. Night creeps into day, lingering longer, coaxing gatherings inside to the warmth of the hearth.

Traditionally, the autumnal equinox is a time to reflect, give thanks for the fields that have been harvested. A respite from the dancing colors and heat of summer, a prelude to the sparkling snowfall and frost of winter.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Periphery

Without saying as much, my last post about soul friends has a lot to do with my desire for deep connections with other souls of the same tribe. Not always romantic, I know you can have soul mates that are friends - regardless of time or space, you grow in tandem, reach similar conscious points. . and mysteriously have the same picture in your living room...

Part of me feels elitist here - my depth somehow makes me more than others, and I have problems relating to those not indoctrinated to the immensity of character they can have. These are rare bonds, tied by unseen threads...past lives, shared souls...hard to say, but real when felt. I cherish the ones I have and am greedy for more.

Part of me is saddened - friendships I thought were strong are only on the edge. Equal care, thoughtfulness, are not in practice and unbalanced.

I believe we are all voluminous creatures, layers constantly exposed & revealed. I like to think some relationships are periphery only because the other person has yet to know their deep end.

I'm trying not to grow resentful of the overlooking, keep hoping they will understand the give and take of friendship, and that they are taking more than giving.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Anam cara

In Celtic philosophy, the soul shrouds the body rather than the body acting as a protective vessel containing our souls within. Our souls come into contact first before we physically meet another person - this explains why there is a pull towards or away from some, that gut reaction to the vibrations radiating from another.

When you are open, when your soul bonds with another so completely the mists of spirit behind to mingle, you have found a soul friend, or anam cara. The bond transcends our own judgements of self, as the connection is founded on our souls, the breath living behind clouds of daily life, worries and wordly concerns.

To often people only seek a romanitc soul mate, one person with whom we mesh so well the boundaries of identity are blurred. Do not take that level of understanding, acceptance and familiarity if presented in the form of a deep friendship.