Burdens we carry

One by one, the weeds began to take over, stealing the light, the nutrients, from the garden attempting to blossom. Roots swelling, resistant to chemicals, the darkness began overwhelming all, requiring diverse and concentrated efforts to remove.

I've come to see my weight gain over the past several years as the outward manifestation of the burdens, toxic emotions, I have allowed myself to carry with me from the past. I chose to dwell in the darkest of places within my mind, questioning and doubting my judgement, my self worth; suppressing rather than understanding, accepting and moving forward.

I am finding my efforts to develop in one area greatly impacts others - meditating brings me a sense of peace, making me less likely to turn to junk food or wine to cope with stress. An intense 30 minute workout sends oxygen and endorphines through my system, for a rush of clarity, awareness and eventual calm.

There is much to do, more to overcome, strengths to be gained, exercises of body and spirit to continue. The weeds are being rooted out, one by one.

Christmas Past

I clearly remember my last christmas living at home.. It plays out in my mind as if I were looking in...

Snowflakes drift towards earth, seeming to gather the sounds of the street out front. Walking past a white house, two rooms emitnate a soft glow.

A large picture window is open, red, green and gold light from a Christmas tree mingling with the soft blue glow of moon reflecting off the fresh snow. Three figures sit in the largest room, illuminated by the black and white movie playing, tree lights adding small bursts of color across their faces.

In the next room, behind closed blinds, an old woman rests under her quilts, hearing the hum of memories, three generations deep, from the walls of the humble white house.

Looking back now, I feel the warmth of the room, the smell of popcorn and homemade hot coco. It wasn't just my parents and I watching it's a wonderful life, the house had absorbed pieces of my grandparents, my uncle, the ones lost to humanly form. We were all there, peaceful in the moment.

Continuing growth

Things are changing here once again - a reflection of my evolution in writing, in thinking, in life I suppose. I'm going to begin using this as a journal for my writing, perhaps to be compiled into some unforeseen form in the future.

There will also be some philosophical musings in regards to meditation, self-healing, past lives, spirituality. Be wary and please be courteous.

I wish I could create an archive for the older posts here, but perhaps they can just dwell in the background while new writings take shape.

Transparent

The more I know you, the less I see. With each word, a layer, a depth, glimmer of hope for realness, is lifted off your body. One by one they peel away, parchments full of ancient promises, passions untold, dreams of a future thst could lay Morpheus to shame,  drifting off into the warm night. Only the surface can answer, for no pool of character, shane of boast, prevents you from your base desires. Soon, only the shadow of a man remains, lingering promises from an empty core.

Passions

For as long as I can remember, I've never been all consumingly passionate about, well, anything. I've seen people be uber passionate about something, I admire and envy them because I wonder if I just lack that kind of intense emotional outlet. Ironically, when I recently went back to Detroit for a visit, my best friend kept commenting how passionate a person I am, how I go all in with love, intimacy, chasing my career. Odd sometimes, how we fail to see things in ourselves that others value (more on that in a later entry).

Another good friend of mine and I were talking a couple weeks ago, she said anything I keep returning to after any sort of absence, could be a passion that I haven't really embraced. Maybe I bore myself with the idea after a while, maybe work interrupts the energy I would otherwise direct to that thing..I've no idea where to go about finding a new passion, but I guess that is difficult to accomplish when you don't allow yourself the opportunity to experience anything new.

That's why I came back here - writing is something I really enjoy and always want to do more of even if I go on hiatus often. I am taking my life in more of a spiritual direction (note, not religious, but spiritual), maybe writing the journey down could help inspire others. I can still follow the thread of sorts, awakening from zombie state of day to day, to something more.

Day 7 - New direction

No, I didn't forget how to count in my long absence from writing here. Feels like I've been a zombie - not just for these past quiet months, but for the last few years. Buried my unhappiness, insecurities, bitterness over a few relationships gone wrong, walled myself into my apartment indulging in bad habits. Sure, the numbing worked just fine on the things I wanted to hide from, but also from just about everything.

Last week I made a decision to just stop the bad things, deal with my past and get back to me in my unfiltered, non-wine consuming form. Maybe I can focus on my passions again, once I figure out what those are at this point in my life. Maybe I can be a better daughter, sister, friend, and potentially girlfriend to someone that has been tremendously patient with me over the past 5-6 months.

I started this to motivate me, and to be perfectly honest, it hasn't worked because I wasn't ready to really commit myself to all the effort that was needed. I'm the heaviest I've been my entire life, spent increasing amounts of time and money doing nothing but sitting on my couch with a beverage.

Today is day 7 - I've been stretching and doing poses nightly, have done 3 great cardio workouts this week, and am starting to clean up my eating. I did break down and have pizza (which I paid for), but no alcohol. Just don't ask me to give up caffeine yet.

I'm already feeling more accomplished, clearer mind, calmer. Making plans -day trip to Gettysburg sometime soon, NYC Comic Con in October, signing up at a cheap gym tomorrow.

Rag doll

Tossed about, to the groups that think they know the best for me, my passion damned. Walking into a blizzard, the improbable Snow White with dark hair, pale skin and lips darkened from the cold.
There are no dwarves here, in harsh reality. .I've no fairey tale end, never did..