River Styx

I've spent too much time floating on the muddied waters of the past, swept up in currents of my own making. Rapids brought on by torrents of pain, tides of mistrust cresting the shores, whirlpools swirling from self loathing.

I fought hard in the beginning, as the waters start rising around the spaces that were us, seeping through cracks in our joy and outward attempts at being alright. Thrashed against truth, the cool waters were waist high...grasped onto good memories and qualities like a firmly rooted tree..chin height..undertow pulled me close, my grip lost.

Exhausted, confused and alone, I remembered how to float, build my energy back by allowing the stream to take me.

Finally, I have waded to banks, fully aware of every drop from the past as it slowly trickles down my skin. After several deep breaths, I look around the bank, searching for others that have survived their own rapids.

There must be others...

Equinox

Chill breeze drifting through the open windows, only a whisper of the scent of fallen leaves. Trees have begun to morph,  blazing reds and oranges that signal the changing season. Night creeps into day, lingering longer, coaxing gatherings inside to the warmth of the hearth.

Traditionally, the autumnal equinox is a time to reflect, give thanks for the fields that have been harvested. A respite from the dancing colors and heat of summer, a prelude to the sparkling snowfall and frost of winter.

Periphery

Without saying as much, my last post about soul friends has a lot to do with my desire for deep connections with other souls of the same tribe. Not always romantic, I know you can have soul mates that are friends - regardless of time or space, you grow in tandem, reach similar conscious points. . and mysteriously have the same picture in your living room...

Part of me feels elitist here - my depth somehow makes me more than others, and I have problems relating to those not indoctrinated to the immensity of character they can have. These are rare bonds, tied by unseen threads...past lives, shared souls...hard to say, but real when felt. I cherish the ones I have and am greedy for more.

Part of me is saddened - friendships I thought were strong are only on the edge. Equal care, thoughtfulness, are not in practice and unbalanced.

I believe we are all voluminous creatures, layers constantly exposed & revealed. I like to think some relationships are periphery only because the other person has yet to know their deep end.

I'm trying not to grow resentful of the overlooking, keep hoping they will understand the give and take of friendship, and that they are taking more than giving.

Anam cara

In Celtic philosophy, the soul shrouds the body rather than the body acting as a protective vessel containing our souls within. Our souls come into contact first before we physically meet another person - this explains why there is a pull towards or away from some, that gut reaction to the vibrations radiating from another.

When you are open, when your soul bonds with another so completely the mists of spirit behind to mingle, you have found a soul friend, or anam cara. The bond transcends our own judgements of self, as the connection is founded on our souls, the breath living behind clouds of daily life, worries and wordly concerns.

To often people only seek a romanitc soul mate, one person with whom we mesh so well the boundaries of identity are blurred. Do not take that level of understanding, acceptance and familiarity if presented in the form of a deep friendship.

Burdens we carry

One by one, the weeds began to take over, stealing the light, the nutrients, from the garden attempting to blossom. Roots swelling, resistant to chemicals, the darkness began overwhelming all, requiring diverse and concentrated efforts to remove.

I've come to see my weight gain over the past several years as the outward manifestation of the burdens, toxic emotions, I have allowed myself to carry with me from the past. I chose to dwell in the darkest of places within my mind, questioning and doubting my judgement, my self worth; suppressing rather than understanding, accepting and moving forward.

I am finding my efforts to develop in one area greatly impacts others - meditating brings me a sense of peace, making me less likely to turn to junk food or wine to cope with stress. An intense 30 minute workout sends oxygen and endorphines through my system, for a rush of clarity, awareness and eventual calm.

There is much to do, more to overcome, strengths to be gained, exercises of body and spirit to continue. The weeds are being rooted out, one by one.

Christmas Past

I clearly remember my last christmas living at home.. It plays out in my mind as if I were looking in...

Snowflakes drift towards earth, seeming to gather the sounds of the street out front. Walking past a white house, two rooms emitnate a soft glow.

A large picture window is open, red, green and gold light from a Christmas tree mingling with the soft blue glow of moon reflecting off the fresh snow. Three figures sit in the largest room, illuminated by the black and white movie playing, tree lights adding small bursts of color across their faces.

In the next room, behind closed blinds, an old woman rests under her quilts, hearing the hum of memories, three generations deep, from the walls of the humble white house.

Looking back now, I feel the warmth of the room, the smell of popcorn and homemade hot coco. It wasn't just my parents and I watching it's a wonderful life, the house had absorbed pieces of my grandparents, my uncle, the ones lost to humanly form. We were all there, peaceful in the moment.

Continuing growth

Things are changing here once again - a reflection of my evolution in writing, in thinking, in life I suppose. I'm going to begin using this as a journal for my writing, perhaps to be compiled into some unforeseen form in the future.

There will also be some philosophical musings in regards to meditation, self-healing, past lives, spirituality. Be wary and please be courteous.

I wish I could create an archive for the older posts here, but perhaps they can just dwell in the background while new writings take shape.