Day 333 - quiet

Survived another gluttonous example of consumerism (ie black friday) by blissfully hiding away in my apartment with the pugs. I hope I never change my thoughts on about that day - I don't want to be caught up in the frenzy, see a thrill in battling others for some deal on something I don't really need. If I want some thing, I'll work for it and save up.

Feeling more true to myself in these last couple weeks - reconnecting with friends from Detroit is reminding me that there are a lot of people that were drawn to me for being myself, and are still here because if that.

Toyed with the idea of going out tonight, but I think I may stay in and get my book started.

Day 320 - Schism

I know the pieces fit cause I watched them fall away...

I'm afraid my thin mask to fit in with a normal group has cracked again. At least the second time I've basically had a panic attack, fight or flight response, to the pressures of fitting in. That's always fun, feeling like crawling out of your skin so much all you can do is run from the situation.

I know the pieces fit cause I watched them tumble down...

Quirks in my personality, the very ones that drew me to goth clubs, culture and people in the first place, have been hidden behind a facade for a long time. There's an unspoken acceptance between people in that kind of underground subculture, we know we don't fit in with a huge amount of people. And those people feel equally out of place in our world.

I can't keep hiding, picking up this increasingly shattered mask. Besides, once you try putting the pieces back a couple times, it's never really the same, the cracks always show, larger each time. I'll use pieces when I need to, like with a client, but no more of this.

There was a time when the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away...

Day 319 - New inspiration

Think I've found a new, positive influence to keep me focused. I'm not going to let him in too much - I'm not wanting people close to me right now, but I can take some of his positive mindset and thoughts from a distance and allow them to help reshape me and my thinking. That and I don't want to scare him off or get too attached if it's not good for him.

Kicking my workouts up again and even fasting one day a week. Time to introvert for a while - I suppose that is making my few attempts at being social even more difficult, but I want to be more selective. I know which situations make me feel more out of place than usual, and it's time to stop kidding myself into thinking those events will be just fine and I'll enjoy myself.

Day 309 - Girlie thaang

As much as I don't like to concede, there are definitely things in life assigned to masculine or feminine that I agree with. Mani/pedi = girls; in depth knowledge and ownership of tools = boys. Not saying those things don't cross over gender lines.

Lately, for many reasons, I've been feeling very tomboy based on my music, decent tool collection for a girl in an apartment (ok, the crow bar and saw were my dad's purchases but I know how to use them), construction knowledge, and guys I've run into.

I'm feeling like I have too many points in the 'man' category right now, especially with this little quest of mine. Quick...I need to tap into my background and decorate some shit! Or paint my nails..or something..i don't even know!! Ahhh...

Day 303 - This is Halloween, Halloween, Halloween...

Sadly, yet again no costume for me. It's been at least 10 or so years since I dressed up, thinking I'm long overdue. Trying to plan ahead for next year, need to come up with something major for next year. Suggestions? I want something iconic, memorable and awesome without being slutty (sexy is good, slutty is bad)!

1. Hope everyone enjoys today!! Check out the revamped lists page I'm working on!

Day 295 - Sinking

Not entirely sure how one goes to an amazing concert, by one of their favorite bands for the last 20 years, and leave feeling elated and utterly depressed at the same time. And yet, somehow I managed this odd mix of emotion on monday night, after an incredible Pearl Jam concert.

The main thorn in my ass seems to be the desire to accomplish something great, that moves other people. I'm not picturing crowds screaming in front of me, as I can't sing. Writing could be an outlet, I think I'm decent when I try but being a successful author isn't easy by any means.

Maybe I'm stuck in my teenage years, back in the daydream of wanting to do something of note with my life. I need to just try, despite the voice in my head telling me that everyone goes through this phase, I should just shut up and get in line with my 9-5 and deal with it like everyone else.

Day 292 - Growing through

As much as I love architecture and the built environment, I also love to see nature growing back through the ruins of an abandoned building. As necessary as they are in today's society, I've always thought of highways as scars on Nature, cutting paths across her to suit the needs of mankind while disregarding other creatures or life. Of all the things mankind has overtaken, Nature may just have the power to return the favor.

Trees taking root in the cracks of a crumbling foundation, reaching towards the light streaming through a broken roof. Vines crawling over the bricks of a half demolished wall or overtaking power lines that pollute the green backdrop of a wooded area.

In fact, I've an unfinished tattoo that was supposed to represent this dichotomy - it was supposed to be a wrought iron fence with a vine twisting through it, but the line work is terrible. Looking to have it covered in a larger design of the same theme or changing out the wrought iron to gears and cogs with vines.