The garden

The neighborhood I grew up in was very charming - mostly middle class with a few odd McMansion type houses. We talked with our neighbors often, knew each other's routine, looked after one another.

My family was close to the one next door. Their daughters babysat my sister and I. My first crush was one of their boys. Chats over the fence, helping each other with yard work, what you hope for in a neighbor.

But, oh the garden on their side. Carol, the matriarch, was a master Gardner. Immaculate landscaping, patches with thriving vegetables,  raspberry bushes so large we used to steal them through the fence. They had a crabapple tree that overhung the properties, with gorgeous white flowers that turned into troublesome crabapples falling everywhere. For my prom, we asked to take pictures in their yard as it seemed idilic. Absolutely gorgeous.

I remember, or perhaps it's just my writer's mind twisting reality, the garden thrived even more with the addition of a man named Fred. He and Carol seemed to flow their love, ability to blend families, into that glorious green space. They were, until the day one clan moved, the quintessential essence of proper neighbors. He had to live there for at least 10 years before I or my family moved.

Neither family lives in either of the modest homes on that semi-main street anymore, but the bond lingers. We never knew the in depth workings of each family, but we did not need to in order to support each other.

I discovered yesterday that Fred passed away..I can't help but think of their lush, brilliant emerald green oasis beginning to turn brown, leaves are shriveling, drying out from thrist. Fewer vegetables reach their peak, flowers pale and lose their drive to blossom. From brilliant color, the images fade to a decaying gray and swamp green.

Shells

Feeling a bit hollow, a vessel without the life force. Disgarded husk, a shell that occasionally glitters to a certain few discerning souls.

Passion, motivation, determination swept away, a grain at a time with the crashing waves. I should be...I could be... wjy am i not...I am being no match for these ominous unknowns sometimes,  like undertow pulling me towards suffocation.

Must remember, these chambers spiral down, tragedy would be ending at the surface moreso than containing the rings of depth. Nautilus, twisting to ever changing levels deepest, darkest corners are those in which I am unashamed to just be..

River Styx

I've spent too much time floating on the muddied waters of the past, swept up in currents of my own making. Rapids brought on by torrents of pain, tides of mistrust cresting the shores, whirlpools swirling from self loathing.

I fought hard in the beginning, as the waters start rising around the spaces that were us, seeping through cracks in our joy and outward attempts at being alright. Thrashed against truth, the cool waters were waist high...grasped onto good memories and qualities like a firmly rooted tree..chin height..undertow pulled me close, my grip lost.

Exhausted, confused and alone, I remembered how to float, build my energy back by allowing the stream to take me.

Finally, I have waded to banks, fully aware of every drop from the past as it slowly trickles down my skin. After several deep breaths, I look around the bank, searching for others that have survived their own rapids.

There must be others...

Equinox

Chill breeze drifting through the open windows, only a whisper of the scent of fallen leaves. Trees have begun to morph,  blazing reds and oranges that signal the changing season. Night creeps into day, lingering longer, coaxing gatherings inside to the warmth of the hearth.

Traditionally, the autumnal equinox is a time to reflect, give thanks for the fields that have been harvested. A respite from the dancing colors and heat of summer, a prelude to the sparkling snowfall and frost of winter.

Periphery

Without saying as much, my last post about soul friends has a lot to do with my desire for deep connections with other souls of the same tribe. Not always romantic, I know you can have soul mates that are friends - regardless of time or space, you grow in tandem, reach similar conscious points. . and mysteriously have the same picture in your living room...

Part of me feels elitist here - my depth somehow makes me more than others, and I have problems relating to those not indoctrinated to the immensity of character they can have. These are rare bonds, tied by unseen threads...past lives, shared souls...hard to say, but real when felt. I cherish the ones I have and am greedy for more.

Part of me is saddened - friendships I thought were strong are only on the edge. Equal care, thoughtfulness, are not in practice and unbalanced.

I believe we are all voluminous creatures, layers constantly exposed & revealed. I like to think some relationships are periphery only because the other person has yet to know their deep end.

I'm trying not to grow resentful of the overlooking, keep hoping they will understand the give and take of friendship, and that they are taking more than giving.

Anam cara

In Celtic philosophy, the soul shrouds the body rather than the body acting as a protective vessel containing our souls within. Our souls come into contact first before we physically meet another person - this explains why there is a pull towards or away from some, that gut reaction to the vibrations radiating from another.

When you are open, when your soul bonds with another so completely the mists of spirit behind to mingle, you have found a soul friend, or anam cara. The bond transcends our own judgements of self, as the connection is founded on our souls, the breath living behind clouds of daily life, worries and wordly concerns.

To often people only seek a romanitc soul mate, one person with whom we mesh so well the boundaries of identity are blurred. Do not take that level of understanding, acceptance and familiarity if presented in the form of a deep friendship.

Burdens we carry

One by one, the weeds began to take over, stealing the light, the nutrients, from the garden attempting to blossom. Roots swelling, resistant to chemicals, the darkness began overwhelming all, requiring diverse and concentrated efforts to remove.

I've come to see my weight gain over the past several years as the outward manifestation of the burdens, toxic emotions, I have allowed myself to carry with me from the past. I chose to dwell in the darkest of places within my mind, questioning and doubting my judgement, my self worth; suppressing rather than understanding, accepting and moving forward.

I am finding my efforts to develop in one area greatly impacts others - meditating brings me a sense of peace, making me less likely to turn to junk food or wine to cope with stress. An intense 30 minute workout sends oxygen and endorphines through my system, for a rush of clarity, awareness and eventual calm.

There is much to do, more to overcome, strengths to be gained, exercises of body and spirit to continue. The weeds are being rooted out, one by one.

Christmas Past

I clearly remember my last christmas living at home.. It plays out in my mind as if I were looking in...

Snowflakes drift towards earth, seeming to gather the sounds of the street out front. Walking past a white house, two rooms emitnate a soft glow.

A large picture window is open, red, green and gold light from a Christmas tree mingling with the soft blue glow of moon reflecting off the fresh snow. Three figures sit in the largest room, illuminated by the black and white movie playing, tree lights adding small bursts of color across their faces.

In the next room, behind closed blinds, an old woman rests under her quilts, hearing the hum of memories, three generations deep, from the walls of the humble white house.

Looking back now, I feel the warmth of the room, the smell of popcorn and homemade hot coco. It wasn't just my parents and I watching it's a wonderful life, the house had absorbed pieces of my grandparents, my uncle, the ones lost to humanly form. We were all there, peaceful in the moment.

Continuing growth

Things are changing here once again - a reflection of my evolution in writing, in thinking, in life I suppose. I'm going to begin using this as a journal for my writing, perhaps to be compiled into some unforeseen form in the future.

There will also be some philosophical musings in regards to meditation, self-healing, past lives, spirituality. Be wary and please be courteous.

I wish I could create an archive for the older posts here, but perhaps they can just dwell in the background while new writings take shape.

Transparent

The more I know you, the less I see. With each word, a layer, a depth, glimmer of hope for realness, is lifted off your body. One by one they peel away, parchments full of ancient promises, passions untold, dreams of a future thst could lay Morpheus to shame,  drifting off into the warm night. Only the surface can answer, for no pool of character, shane of boast, prevents you from your base desires. Soon, only the shadow of a man remains, lingering promises from an empty core.

Passions

For as long as I can remember, I've never been all consumingly passionate about, well, anything. I've seen people be uber passionate about something, I admire and envy them because I wonder if I just lack that kind of intense emotional outlet. Ironically, when I recently went back to Detroit for a visit, my best friend kept commenting how passionate a person I am, how I go all in with love, intimacy, chasing my career. Odd sometimes, how we fail to see things in ourselves that others value (more on that in a later entry).

Another good friend of mine and I were talking a couple weeks ago, she said anything I keep returning to after any sort of absence, could be a passion that I haven't really embraced. Maybe I bore myself with the idea after a while, maybe work interrupts the energy I would otherwise direct to that thing..I've no idea where to go about finding a new passion, but I guess that is difficult to accomplish when you don't allow yourself the opportunity to experience anything new.

That's why I came back here - writing is something I really enjoy and always want to do more of even if I go on hiatus often. I am taking my life in more of a spiritual direction (note, not religious, but spiritual), maybe writing the journey down could help inspire others. I can still follow the thread of sorts, awakening from zombie state of day to day, to something more.

Day 7 - New direction

No, I didn't forget how to count in my long absence from writing here. Feels like I've been a zombie - not just for these past quiet months, but for the last few years. Buried my unhappiness, insecurities, bitterness over a few relationships gone wrong, walled myself into my apartment indulging in bad habits. Sure, the numbing worked just fine on the things I wanted to hide from, but also from just about everything.

Last week I made a decision to just stop the bad things, deal with my past and get back to me in my unfiltered, non-wine consuming form. Maybe I can focus on my passions again, once I figure out what those are at this point in my life. Maybe I can be a better daughter, sister, friend, and potentially girlfriend to someone that has been tremendously patient with me over the past 5-6 months.

I started this to motivate me, and to be perfectly honest, it hasn't worked because I wasn't ready to really commit myself to all the effort that was needed. I'm the heaviest I've been my entire life, spent increasing amounts of time and money doing nothing but sitting on my couch with a beverage.

Today is day 7 - I've been stretching and doing poses nightly, have done 3 great cardio workouts this week, and am starting to clean up my eating. I did break down and have pizza (which I paid for), but no alcohol. Just don't ask me to give up caffeine yet.

I'm already feeling more accomplished, clearer mind, calmer. Making plans -day trip to Gettysburg sometime soon, NYC Comic Con in October, signing up at a cheap gym tomorrow.

Rag doll

Tossed about, to the groups that think they know the best for me, my passion damned. Walking into a blizzard, the improbable Snow White with dark hair, pale skin and lips darkened from the cold.
There are no dwarves here, in harsh reality. .I've no fairey tale end, never did..

Like bear...

For some reason, this winter hit me hard and I've been hibernating. Haven't been writing (obviously), working out, or even *gasp* watching Walking Dead.

Let's find out if this zombie can return to the living...time to wake up.

Day 393 - Off balance

Haven't been my self since the new year began. Perhaps the cold, gray chill of winter has taken hold, freezing the drive and passion inside. I've been impossible to motivate, uncaring about the things I've chased the hardest.

Day 382 - Trusting vs being open

Haven't gotten off to the roaring start I wanted, been very distracted by potential relationship on horizon. Complicated one at that, because duh it's me and simple doesn't seem to suit me.

I find it interesting, the difference between being an open person and a trusting person. I'm pretty open - writing this while I personally know only a handful of people who read this. Ask me s question, generally you will receive an honest, perhaps mildly inappropriate, answer.

Trusting however is an entirely different matter. After some betrayals, it takes a lot for me to trust. Patience, time and understanding that I'm not going to just let anyone in.

I've not decided if my mistrust would play out well as a survivor...

Day 368 - Year 2, go!

It's been a while, but I've managed to finally pull myself out of the vortex of the holidays and have started re-establishing my routines.

I'm approaching this year with a slightly different attitude - last year I became frustrated when I couldn't afford one of my goals the minute I decided i wanted to tackle something. Considering few us have unlimited funds, that probably doesn't work for most people. So, I really need to prioritize & plan.

First 2 on the list - shooting lessons and skydiving. As I'm only 90% sure on the skydiving, that may wait. I've a friend coming to town in the next few months that has said he would go...not sure I can work up the courage that quick. So...shooting lessons it is!

I'm still really missing crossfit, but that is way out of budget. Rather than mope around, I'm started to look into boxing & muay thai gyms. I loved all of them, just need to find the best $$ option. It's not as if I would regret doing any of them - they all work out my aggresion and my body at the same time!

Best wishes to anyone reading this - time to really start this thing moving forward!!!