Passions

For as long as I can remember, I've never been all consumingly passionate about, well, anything. I've seen people be uber passionate about something, I admire and envy them because I wonder if I just lack that kind of intense emotional outlet. Ironically, when I recently went back to Detroit for a visit, my best friend kept commenting how passionate a person I am, how I go all in with love, intimacy, chasing my career. Odd sometimes, how we fail to see things in ourselves that others value (more on that in a later entry).

Another good friend of mine and I were talking a couple weeks ago, she said anything I keep returning to after any sort of absence, could be a passion that I haven't really embraced. Maybe I bore myself with the idea after a while, maybe work interrupts the energy I would otherwise direct to that thing..I've no idea where to go about finding a new passion, but I guess that is difficult to accomplish when you don't allow yourself the opportunity to experience anything new.

That's why I came back here - writing is something I really enjoy and always want to do more of even if I go on hiatus often. I am taking my life in more of a spiritual direction (note, not religious, but spiritual), maybe writing the journey down could help inspire others. I can still follow the thread of sorts, awakening from zombie state of day to day, to something more.

Day 7 - New direction

No, I didn't forget how to count in my long absence from writing here. Feels like I've been a zombie - not just for these past quiet months, but for the last few years. Buried my unhappiness, insecurities, bitterness over a few relationships gone wrong, walled myself into my apartment indulging in bad habits. Sure, the numbing worked just fine on the things I wanted to hide from, but also from just about everything.

Last week I made a decision to just stop the bad things, deal with my past and get back to me in my unfiltered, non-wine consuming form. Maybe I can focus on my passions again, once I figure out what those are at this point in my life. Maybe I can be a better daughter, sister, friend, and potentially girlfriend to someone that has been tremendously patient with me over the past 5-6 months.

I started this to motivate me, and to be perfectly honest, it hasn't worked because I wasn't ready to really commit myself to all the effort that was needed. I'm the heaviest I've been my entire life, spent increasing amounts of time and money doing nothing but sitting on my couch with a beverage.

Today is day 7 - I've been stretching and doing poses nightly, have done 3 great cardio workouts this week, and am starting to clean up my eating. I did break down and have pizza (which I paid for), but no alcohol. Just don't ask me to give up caffeine yet.

I'm already feeling more accomplished, clearer mind, calmer. Making plans -day trip to Gettysburg sometime soon, NYC Comic Con in October, signing up at a cheap gym tomorrow.

Rag doll

Tossed about, to the groups that think they know the best for me, my passion damned. Walking into a blizzard, the improbable Snow White with dark hair, pale skin and lips darkened from the cold.
There are no dwarves here, in harsh reality. .I've no fairey tale end, never did..

Like bear...

For some reason, this winter hit me hard and I've been hibernating. Haven't been writing (obviously), working out, or even *gasp* watching Walking Dead.

Let's find out if this zombie can return to the living...time to wake up.

Day 393 - Off balance

Haven't been my self since the new year began. Perhaps the cold, gray chill of winter has taken hold, freezing the drive and passion inside. I've been impossible to motivate, uncaring about the things I've chased the hardest.

Day 382 - Trusting vs being open

Haven't gotten off to the roaring start I wanted, been very distracted by potential relationship on horizon. Complicated one at that, because duh it's me and simple doesn't seem to suit me.

I find it interesting, the difference between being an open person and a trusting person. I'm pretty open - writing this while I personally know only a handful of people who read this. Ask me s question, generally you will receive an honest, perhaps mildly inappropriate, answer.

Trusting however is an entirely different matter. After some betrayals, it takes a lot for me to trust. Patience, time and understanding that I'm not going to just let anyone in.

I've not decided if my mistrust would play out well as a survivor...

Day 368 - Year 2, go!

It's been a while, but I've managed to finally pull myself out of the vortex of the holidays and have started re-establishing my routines.

I'm approaching this year with a slightly different attitude - last year I became frustrated when I couldn't afford one of my goals the minute I decided i wanted to tackle something. Considering few us have unlimited funds, that probably doesn't work for most people. So, I really need to prioritize & plan.

First 2 on the list - shooting lessons and skydiving. As I'm only 90% sure on the skydiving, that may wait. I've a friend coming to town in the next few months that has said he would go...not sure I can work up the courage that quick. So...shooting lessons it is!

I'm still really missing crossfit, but that is way out of budget. Rather than mope around, I'm started to look into boxing & muay thai gyms. I loved all of them, just need to find the best $$ option. It's not as if I would regret doing any of them - they all work out my aggresion and my body at the same time!

Best wishes to anyone reading this - time to really start this thing moving forward!!!